Gum, 2, 3, 4

35 Weeks

2011-06-23T16:13:00.004-05:00

I'm 35 weeks and I've officially hit a brick wall. I'm beat, burnt out and ready to meet my babies. I can't believe I still have 3 weeks to go until my scheduled c-section on 7/11/11.

I'm retaining water in my lower extremities like its my job. Its far worse on my left side, which according to my OB is because I've experienced 'trauma' (ie surgery) on my left leg so my blood circulation is already compromised. Basically, my thighs down to my feet look disgusting and I'm embarrassed by them. I used to have such nice and toned legs.

I've been having a lot more contractions, which are getting more and more uncomfortable. I also have quite a bit of cramping, however at my 35 week OB appointment I'm not dilated yet, but maybe I'm getting there.

How far along: 35 weeks
Weight gain/loss: 39 lbs - most of which has got to be all this damn fluid
Maternity clothes: yes
Sleep: bathroom trips and contractions are keeping me up
Best moment this week: Michael feeling the babies being really active and telling me they want out - he then installed the car seats in my car
Food cravings: still watermelon
Gender: boy/girl
What I'm missing: my body
What I'm looking forward to: meeting my babies!

34 Weeks

2011-06-16T16:49:00.003-05:00

Its been an eventful week for me. On Sunday had my baby shower, hosted by Michael's 4 aunts. It was a beautiful day, beautiful decorations, delicious food and wonderful family and friends to share the day with. I couldn't believe how emotionally overwhelmed I felt throughout the day. I just couldn't believe, after all I've been through, that I was finally in the home stretch and sharing it with such amazing people. We got a lot of wonderful gifts and an insane amount of baby clothes. It seemed most people arrived with a 'his' and 'hers' gift bag, which is quite thoughtful, but made for a lot of gifts to open!

Probably the most sentimental gift I got was from Annie, my sister in law. Among other things, she put a picture of her two kids (Riland, age 6 and Bergen, age 3) in a 'Cousins' frame that a sweet little saying on it. Riland also wrote a note (in blue marker) saying 'I can't wait to meet you'. Of course my eyes swelled up with tears.

I also had any ultrasound on Tuesday, which I wrote about in the previous post. This put a little panic in me and garnered excitement in Michael. He's says he's just anxious to meet the babies, but part of me thinks he's tired of hearing me complain about all the fluid I've been retaining.

This fluid is slowly taking over my body. What started just in my feet, progressed to my ankles and calves and this morning my thighs. It looks so bad and I'm so embarrassed. I know I shouldn't be, but its just not me. I look down and cannot believe these are my legs. What the hell happened?

The one thing I keep telling myself is that its not permanent. I've been lucky enough to avoid stretch marks (at least so far) so I should suck it up and deal with the swollen lower extremities like the tough bitch I am.

How far along: 34 weeks
Weight loss/gain: 34 lbs
Maternity clothes: yes
Sleep: not so good
Best moment this week: Baby shower with family and friends
Food cravings: once again, I can't get enough watermelon
Gender: boy/girl
What I'm missing: easily finding a pair of shoes to wear
What I'm looking forward to: finishing the nursery this weekend

11 lbs 6 oz Baby in my Belly

2011-06-15T16:50:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, at exactly 34 weeks I had my last and final growth scan to check in on the babies. I always enjoy having the ultrasounds, hearing their heartbeats, watching them wiggle around and hearing how well they are doing.

Both babies have been measuring ahead at all my ultrasounds so I've come to expect that. My 30 week ultrasound was the first one that Little Guy (baby B) measured larger than Baby Girl (baby A).

As it turns out, Little Guy is not so little anymore! He's weighing in at an estimated 6 lbs 1 oz, which puts him at the 95th percentile and actually measuring 36 weeks instead of 34 weeks. Holy smokes that a big baby! His heart rate was perfect at 134 and everything was just as it should be, thankfully!

Baby Girl weighed in at 5 lbs 5 oz, which puts her at the 75th percentile and has her measuring 35 weeks instead of 34 weeks. Her heart rate was 136 and she was perfect in every way!

Both babies are now transverse and as the MFM put it, Baby Girl has the bottom bunk and Little Guy has the top bunk. Their heads are together, which I'm probably envisioning is much cuter than it really it is.

While I'm thrilled both babies are wonderful and measuring nice and big, I expressed my concern that both babies are measuring so big and I still have 4 weeks to get me to the 38 week mark. The doctor seemed pretty confident I'd go into labor on my own before 38 weeks. He said the babies are measuring big and I have a small frame so he wouldn't be surprised if I had them within 2 weeks or so.

Yikes....enter panic mode! I almost started crying. I'm scared shitless and hardly feel ready! On the contrary, Michael is thrilled and super excited. He said it was the best appointment yet because he's so excited to meet our two little miracles. While I am too, I'm worried about their lung development among other complications if they are born too early, finishing their nursery, installing car seats, buying diapers and crib mattresses (my list could go on and on).

I go see my OB on Monday and we will definitely be having a chat about this. I also want him to do an internal and tell me if I'm starting to dialate as I feel that is a better indicator of an impending labor.

In the meantime, I will be frantically trying to get my shit together and finish up all the last minute items 'just in case'.

33 Weeks

2011-06-10T12:18:00.004-05:00

33 weeks and I'm really starting to feel it! My back hurts from sitting at my desk all day and my legs, ankles and feet are retaining so much water I feel like I'm having an out of body experience when I look down. I just can't believe those are my legs. What happened to my thin toned legs? I see them in the morning and at some point during the day, they disappear. It probably doesn't help that its been in the 90's here and extremely humid.

Other than the swelling and back aches, I'm still forging ahead. I'm still going to the gym and trying to do as much as I can. In all honesty, I'm afraid to stop. I feel like if I stop, I loose. Like I'm letting pregnancy kick my ass and I'm not having that.

I'm loving feeling the babies move and how they keep getting stronger. Little guy seems so much lower than he was, hence my basketball belly. Baby girl, I swear, is coming out of my side. It is so funny to her push or stretch and its so far on the side of my belly its almost in the back.

How far along: 33 weeks
Weight gain/loss: 30 lbs
Maternity clothes: yes, with the exception of maxi dresses. The maternity maxi dresses have too much material and make me look like a tent. Not flattering!
Sleep: waking up every 2 hours. Michael just told me he is getting on the babies scheduled too because he is now waking up every couple hours.
Best moment this week: maternity pictures at the park we got married. I can't wait to share them!
Food cravings: still watermelon
Gender: boy/girl
What I'm missing: my thin toned legs, real ankles and normal feet
What I'm looking forward to: my family and friends shower this Sunday!

32 Weeks

2011-06-06T14:11:00.003-05:00

Why is it that I always feel like I look so much bigger in person than I do in pictures? I'm still, thankfully, stretch mark free and don't have any restrictions. I'm still working, going to the gym and doing all my normal activities.

I have however and unfortunately now succumbed to retaining water and wonderful swelling in my feet, ankles and calves. Nice timing, just as its getting hot and I want to wear shorts or cropped pants, I'm now too embarrassed to wear anything but jeans and long dresses and skirts.

I had my first NST (non-stress test) on Memorial Day. It was supposed to take 30 minutes or so, but I was there for 2 hours. Baby Girl wasn't responding as they wanted her too so they just kept monitoring me to make sure things were okay. Thankfully, she started to become more active which appeased the doctors and I was released after two long hours. I was also informed this will now be a weekly appointment. I guess its time to find a good book to bring along.

I also dropped. It may be hard to tell in the pictures, but I woke up on Monday and Michael I couldn't believe the difference in my belly. I now have very visible upper ribs that look like brackets holding my belly up. It makes me a little bit nervous, because I thought you didn't drop until the end of the pregnancy, but I guess I'm getting close!

How far along: 32 weeks
Weight gain/loss: 28 lbs
Maternity clothes: yes
Sleep: really missing it
Best moment this week: Listening to Michael try to guess the body parts he can feel
Food cravings: watermelon
Gender: boy/girl
What I'm missing: my ankles
What I'm looking forward to: My family and friends shower

31 Weeks

2011-05-27T13:48:00.003-05:00

31 weeks and still going strong. I had an OB appointment at 30 weeks and my OB has been really impressed with how well I'm doing and how great I look. Of course that's always a nice compliment. I have my first NST (non stress test) on Monday, Memorial Day, just shy of 32 weeks and then head back to the OB. Hopefully all is well.

I must look like I'm about to pop because I've had several people this week (mostly men) ask me if I'm due any day now. It makes feel like I must look huge, discourages me that I still have 7 weeks left to go and overall, is just a bit offensive. I'm not huge by any means. Perhaps because just about all the weight I've gained has gone straight to my belly, I look disproportionately large. I don't know.

How far along: 31 weeks
Weight gain/loss: 26 lbs
Maternity clothes: yes
Sleep: Between the time I go upstairs to get ready for bed and right before I come down in the morning, I go to the bathroom 7 times - so no, I'm not sleeping well!
Best moment this week: The ultrasound at 30 weeks and knowing our little ones are doing good, are big and healthy!
Food cravings: Lemon ice, Popsicles, anything cold and sour is always good
Gender: boy/girl
What I'm missing: sleeping on my stomach, or just sleeping for that matter
What I'm looking forward to: planting my vegetable garden this weekend (hopefully)

7lbs 3oz of Babies in My Belly

2011-05-19T16:21:00.002-05:00

On Tuesday, at exactly 30 weeks I had my appointment with the MFM for a growth scan. At my last growth scan at 26 weeks both babies were measuring big so I didn't expect them to suddenly be smaller, but boy were we, as well as the doctor surprised to find out just how big they were measuring now.

Little Guy (baby B) has always been smaller. I'm even convinced that he was the embryo that wasn't hatching when we went in for our embryo transfer. Well guess what, that little guy has finally taken over and now out-weighs his sister. He is estimated to weigh 3lbs 12 oz which puts him in the 86th percentile. He's also made himself comfortable curled up, transverse and high in my belly.

Baby Girl (baby A), who's typically been larger, has now been surpassed by her brother but she is still holding her own weighing in at 3lbs 7oz putting her at the 65th percentile. She is still vertex, although she is snuggled in really low.

Both babies' heart rates were good, Baby Girl at 136 and Little Guy at 156. Unfortunately we didn't get any pictures because Baby Girl was facing my back and Little Guy was curled in a ball. I'm just happy they are big and healthy.

My cervix is still holding strong at 3.2 which the doctor said was great. For some reason I'm super paranoid about my cervix and request trans vaginal ultrasounds at every appointment. It always makes for an uncomfortable moment between me and whichever doctor I'm seeing. I think Michael gets embarrassed for me. They seem to think I have no idea how they need to take the measurement. I remind them every time that I'm pregnant thanks to my 4th IVF so me and the vag cam go way back.

As I mentioned earlier, the doctor we saw seemed surprised by the size of the babies. He said if we make it to term, they will be good sized babies. He even made a couple references to 'in normal twin pregnancies' followed by 'but in your case' since the babies are quite big, particularly for being twins. Hopefully, they keep getting bigger. I would love to deliver full-term healthy big babies that require no NICU time.

Stay put little ones, mama loves you just where you are! Oh, and she is not ready....at all!

30 Weeks

2011-05-17T14:31:00.002-05:00

I'm starting my count down now. 8 weeks or less to go since Dr. J. or Dr. Flintstone as Michael likes to call him (because he's a character, he delivered me and therefore old) said he wouldn't let me go past 38 weeks.

On one hand, 8 weeks makes me feel panicked. There is still so much to do, my shower isn't until June 12th and until then, I pretty much have a bare nursery with the exception of furniture. I had a dream the other night that the babies were born early and we didn't have any mattresses for the cribs nor did we have diapers (both of which are a current reality) so the babies had to sleep in the bathtub and they were wrapped in the shower curtain liner. Talk about Mother of the Year! Clearly, I don't feel prepared.

On the other hand, I feel huge and cannot imagine my body handling 8 more weeks of this while getting bigger. Carrying this extra weight really takes a toll on one's body and it makes me thankful that I'm fit and healthy both pre-pregnancy and during pregnancy.

How far along: 30 weeks

Weight gain/loss: 24 lbs

Maternity clothes: yes

Sleep: between bathroom breaks, switching sides to sleep on and braxton hicks contractions waking me up, sleep has not been the best

Best moment this week: putting all the furniture into the nursery

Food cravings: pineapple, unfortunately the pineapple I bought was so bitter

Gender: boy/girl

What I'm missing: a good nights sleep

What I'm looking forward to: our next ultrasound in an hour - can't wait to see my sweet son and daughter

29 Weeks

2011-05-13T16:45:00.004-05:00

29 weeks and still going strong! I still feel really good, am working out and am having less back pain than I did in the second trimester. Of course my belly is getting bigger and heavier so doing certain things is getting a lot harder, but I'm feeling really good.

I can't believe how soon I will be meeting these sweet little babies. While I don't have visions of what they will look like, I can envision what it feels like to cuddle a sweet little baby, kiss their soft little heads and take in all that sweet baby smell.

On the flip side, I'm nervous and can't believe how quickly time has gone. My checklist is still a mile long and poor Michael has been busting his butt around the house. We are both 'nesting' and for some reason, making something better usually requires that something to get worse first.

In the midst of being excited for the babies and making messes while trying to 'nest' I had my first Mother's Day. I was so surprised to get cards from close friends and family. On top of that, as we were out running our weekly errands several strangers wished me a Happy Mother's Day.

How far along: 29 weeks
Weight gain/loss: 23 lbs
Maternity clothes: yes
Sleep: nightly bathroom trips have increased to 2-3 per night
Best moment this week: my first Mother's Day
Food cravings: Italian Ice
Gender: boy/girl
What I'm missing the most: sushi has been sounding awfully good lately
What I'm looking forward to: next ultrasound on Tuesday 5/17

28 Weeks

2011-05-10T16:16:00.003-05:00

I feel like I'm getting really big. My stomach is so heavy and I'm not used to the size. I'm starting to bump my belly when doing things around the house. I can also no longer easily put my shoes on. Particularly the cute sandals with buckles. The bending over for that long trying to fuss with buckles makes me sick to my stomach and crunches everything up under my ribs. Thankfully I have a husband who understands the importance of cute fashion (or at least he is learning).

I think I felt Baby Girl's hiccups this week too. At least I assume that's what it was. It was a constant jerk movement for a few minutes. I'm still always amazed every time I feel them move. I just love every minute of it and know this is one thing I will miss the most about being pregnant.

How far along: 28 weeks
Weight gain/loss: 22 lbs
Maternity clothes: yes
Sleep: seems to be getting worse
Best moment this week: Baby Girl's hiccups
Food cravings: dried apricots
Gender: boy/girl
What I'm missing the most: sleeping on my stomach
What I'm looking forward to: our next ultrasound on 5/17

27 Weeks

2011-04-28T16:30:00.005-05:00

Finally in the 3rd trimester! The time between 26 and 27 weeks was weird. My boobs have officially started leaking, which totally blows my mind since they've grown AT ALL since being pregnant. Then at 26w4d I had my first braxton hicks contraction. I haven't had too many, but its such a strange sensation. I called my OB and they said it was pretty common, to drink some water, put my feet up and call if they became painful or were accompanied by vaginal discharge and blood.

Other than those two new experiences, I'm still feeling great. I keep thinking I'm going to get to a point where I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall, but so far so good!

How far along: 27 weeks
Weight gain/weight loss: 21 lbs
Maternity clothes: yes
Sleep: still waking up several times a night
Best moment this week: the ultrasound, its always so reassuring!
Food cravings: nothing
Gender: boy/girl
What I'm missing most: my body that I'm used to
What I'm looking forward to: childbirth class this weekend

26 Week Growth Scan

2011-04-28T16:20:00.002-05:00

It was a great appointment and it turns out I'm growing big babies! Baby Girl A was 2lbs 4 oz and in the 76th percentile and Little Guy B was 2lbs 3 oz which is the 66th percentile. The doctor was very pleased with their sizes and the fact that there is only an ounce difference between the two. Yay for big babies, though now I'm concerned how my body will handle the rest of my pregnancy.

Baby Girl is still head down but Little Guy is now breech. The reason my ribs on the right side have been hurting so bad is because Baby Girl's feet are right up there along with Little Guy's head. He's laying on a diagonal. Both the doctor and the ultrasound tech said that's a lot of pressure in one concentrated area and unless they move, to get used to it.

My cervix was measuring 3.7 which the doctor was very happy with. He doesn't see any need for any restrictions so I asked that be made perfectly clear in the follow up notes to my OB since he seems to think I should have started bed rest last week. Crazy old man!

We only got a couple pictures of Baby Girl because Little Guy was facing towards my back and had his sister's feet practically on his head. Poor Little Guy.

Here's the best picture of Baby Girl, which Michael says looks like mashed potatoes. I will never tell our daughter her daddy said she looked like mashed pototaoes. I think she looks beautiful!

26 Weeks

2011-04-19T17:06:00.003-05:00

Another week and a shirt I think looks more flattering in real life than in pictures. I'm definitely looking pregnant and get stranger comments pretty much everywhere I go. Michael thinks I'm becoming famous at the gym because so many people talk to me and talk to him. If I'm not there, people ask him about me. Personally, I think people are used to seeing a pregnant woman at the gym.

I've also gotten comments the last two weeks at the grocery store. People are surprised I'm carrying twins and like to tell me how great I look. Which, I don't mind hearing. Michael thinks I will end up with post partum depression because people will stop telling me how great I look. I like to think they will tell me how cute my babies are instead. Only time will tell.

How far along: 26 weeks
Weight gain/loss: up 20 lbs
Maternity clothes: yes
Sleep: Waking up more frequently now due to my comfort level and bathroom breaks
Best moment this week: Laying in bed with Michael's hand on my belly feeling baby girl going nuts. We were both laughing wondering what in the world she was doing in there.
Food cravings: Cheez-its
Gender: boy/girl
What I'm missing: my non-maternity spring clothes and being comfortable in heels
What I'm looking forward to: ultrasound tomorrow!

25 Weeks

2011-04-15T11:20:00.005-05:00

Holy smokes, 25 weeks! My belly seems to be getting heavier and my ribs and back more sore. It was fun week though. My mom is going to be making baby quilts and bed skirts so we spent most of last Saturday in search of the perfect fabric. Mission complete after a little visit to Etsy on Monday!

I've also noticed the babies movement patterns have changed. While I still feel them throughout the day, they are starting to become more active at night. I wake up several times to use the bathroom and change sides. Now, its just become more difficult to fall back to sleep because I'm feeling them move so much. I love feeling them move and it always makes me feeling like laughing, which of course makes it even harder to fall back asleep. However, I wouldn't change it for the world!

How far along: 25 weeks
Weight gain/loss: 17 lbs total
Maternity clothes: yes, although surprised I still fit into my cropped pants from last summer. I think because they sit below my baby belly.
Sleep: as good as its going to get!
Best moment this week: fabric shopping with my mom
Food cravings: nothing really
Gender: boy/girl
What I'm missing: laying on my stomach
What I'm looking forward to: next u/s on 4/20

24 Weeks

2011-04-05T09:21:00.008-05:00

I can't believe I'm 24 weeks! That is a huge milestone as we've now reached viability. If, heaven forbid, the babies were born today, they'd have a greater than 50% chance of survival. Of course I want to keep them cooking for as long as possible.

I'm still feeling pretty good other than the middle back discomfort and tender ribs. I'm feeling a lot of movement and I just love it! I love the little reminders that I'm carrying precious cargo. It never gets old.

How far along: 24 weeks
Weight gain/loss: 16 lbs
Maternity clothes: yes
Sleep: some nights are better than others
Best moment this week: seeing my friends excitement over my belly
Food cravings: tomato juice/V8 (reduce sodium of course) Gender: boy/girl
What I'm missing: sleeping through the night
What I'm looking forward to: next ultra sound on 4/20

23 Weeks

2011-03-31T17:14:00.003-05:00

I could probably start each blog the same way but I seriously can't believe I'm 23 weeks already.

I'm starting to really feel like this pregnancy is flying by and before I know it I will have two beautiful babies in my arms.

I'm trying to cherish every moment I have with these two little babies inside me. I'm loving every wiggle, punch to the groin and kick in the ribs. According to my mother, they are just letting me know they are there.

How far along: 23 weeks

Weight gain/loss: 14 lbs, lost one pound this week

Maternity clothes: yes

Sleep: still waking up 2-3 times per night to go the bathroom and readjust my support pillows

Best moment this week: strangers recognizing I'm pregnant and for some reason this week, I was told several times how cute I am by coworkers and strangers

Food cravings: none this week

Gender: boy/girl

What I'm missing: a good night's sleep

What I'm looking forward to: 24 weeks and viability

22 Weeks

2011-03-23T09:02:00.002-05:00

Another week and an uneventful one at that. I went to the OB on Thursday and am measuring about 4 weeks ahead. Still within the normal range for twins. He was also impressed with my belly, the babies size from my last ultrasound and my health in general.

How far along: 22 weeks
Weight gain/loss: 15 lbs total
Maternity clothes: yes
Sleep: same as it has been
Best moment this week: feeling both of them move at the same time
Food cravings: pink lemon-aid
Gender: boy/girl
What I'm missing: no back pain
What I'm looking forward to: going to register

21 Weeks

2011-03-21T09:14:00.003-05:00

I was really late this week. Its been a tough week at work and just too busy for my liking.

On the other hand, its been a fabulous week on the baby front. At 20w1d I finally felt our little girl move! She is definitely a strong kicker/puncher! She's my little fighter. Even more exciting was 20w3d when Michael got to feel our little kick for the first time and 20w5d when he felt our little girl give him a swift kick.

Its been so amazing to share the experience with Michael. Its really the first thing this pregnancy that he has been able to physically experience with me. Of course now every time I feel them move I call for him to get his hand on my belly as quickly as possible.

How far along: 21 weeks
Weight gain/loss: up 13 lbs total
Maternity clothes: yes
Sleep: the bathroom and my back keep me up and now I've resorted to keeping a rolled up hand towel in bed to act as a prop and hold my belly. I just hated that pulling feeling.
Best moment this week: feeling our little girl move and Michael feeling both of them
Food craving: nothing specific this week, though I've noticed the items I've craved in the past weeks have made it into my daily rotation (grapes, carrots, prunes to be specific)
Gender: a boy and a girl and I'm so in love!
What I'm missing: a good night's sleep
What I'm looking forward to: going to register this weekend

20 Weeks

2011-03-10T16:04:00.005-06:00

I'm a couple days late this week and really can't believe I'm already 20 weeks! Time certainly flew by. I've also just come to the realization that I will meet these babies in 3 1/2 months. I feel so unprepared.

It was an exciting week for me and my little gummy bears. On Saturday, at 19w4d I felt our son move! I was laying in the recliner watching a movie after a wonderful afternoon of yoga and lunch with girlfriends when I could feel him. It feels a little bit like gas, but it doesn't hurt and doesn't move in 'that' direction. It was so amazing and I'm so glad I got to feel him.

My back has been killing me. Its not been my lower back like I thought it would, but rather my middle back. A wise friend of mine, also pregnant with twins, suggested it was because the babies are now moving their way up. That makes perfect sense, so I'm going with it.

How far along: 20 weeks
Maternity clothes: Yes, this week I made the switch and commitment to maternity clothes. The pants are a bit big and I keep pulling them up, but I'm sure I will grow into them soon enough.
Sleep: the bathroom and my back are keeping me up
Best moment this week: feeling our son move
Food cravings: grapes
Gender: boy/girl (confirmed last week!)
What I'm missing the most: no back pain
What I'm looking forward to: feeling our daughter move

Anatomy Scan Results

2011-03-03T16:24:00.006-06:00

We had an amazing anatomy scan yesterday! I just love being able to look at the babies for a straight hour, especially now as they look even more like babies than they did at 12 weeks.

Both babies are perfectly healthy. Baby A, the little wiggle worm made it difficult to get all the measurements and Baby B was a little show off. Eventually they got everything they needed and we learned who's been growing in my belly.

Baby A, is a girl. I'm most shocked by this because at the NT scan they were pretty confident that Baby A was a boy! Her heart rate was 144 and her estimated weight is 12 oz.

Baby B, is a boy. His heart rate was 143 and his estimated weight is 10 oz. He was our little show off. It was like he was posing for the camera.

Both babies are head down and Baby Boy B was spooning Baby Girl A. It was too cute, but of course she turned her head and we never got a great picture of this.

My cervix was 5.2 cm, which from what I've read looks pretty good and the doctor was quite pleased with it.

It was such a wonderful experience and I'm so amazed how much they've grown and developed since 12 weeks. I go back again at 26 weeks and will then start going every 4 weeks to monitor their growth.

Here are my favorite pictures

Baby Girl A's beautiful profile

Baby Girl A in 3D with her little hands up by her face Baby Boy B's handsome profile

Baby Boy B in 3D with his mouth open and hand by his face

19 Weeks

2011-03-01T14:51:00.005-06:00

I'm really beginning to look more and more pregnant. Depending on what I'm wearing, I'm starting to get comments, but only from people who know I'm pregnant. I'm so amazed by my ever changing body and it seems like every morning when I wake up I notice a change.

Michael has really gotten into rubbing my belly, I think because I finally have one. Its become our nighttime ritual after cuddling with the dogs we lay in bed and talk about the babies while he rubs my belly. I love it!

How far along: 19 weeks
Weight gain/loss: up a total of 10 lbs, no weight gain this week
Maternity clothes: leggings, work out shirts and tights
Sleep: not so good
Best moment this week: kisses on my belly from our dog Nina
Food cravings: Jimmy John's has been sounding really good, but I haven't gotten it
Gender: guessing boy/boy
What I'm missing: a good night's sleep
What I'm looking forward to: anatomy scan tomorrow!!!

Mexican Superstitions

2011-02-28T09:38:00.003-06:00

Typically I'm a regular at the dry cleaners with all my work clothes and the fact that I don't iron, however lately, I haven't been going as much. I did have a silk ruffle tank that needed to be cleaned so I headed to the dry cleaners last Saturday morning.

Since I'm a regular (rather, was), I'm on a first name basis with the owner, a lovely Mexican lady named Marie. Occasionally she has her 2 year old daughter, Carla, there with her. When I went in Marie and Carla were both happy to see me. Marie rubbed my belly and Carla gave me a big hug. Yes, I guess I have a special, or rather strange relationship with my dry cleaners.

Marie proceeds to tell Carla to rub my belly because there are babies in there. Carla bashfully snuggles her head into her mom's legs and backs away. Marie tried again and Carla wouldn't touch my belly.

Okay, I'm thinking, I guess most children would probably do the same. I asked Marie if Carla normally touches pregnancy bellies and she said only sometimes. She said its a Mexican superstition that if a child won't touch a pregnant woman's belly its because the baby in the belly is the opposite sex of the child.

Therefore, based on Mexican superstitions and the 2 year old daughter of my dry cleaner owner, I guess I'm having boys.

The more technical determination will happen Wednesday at my anatomy scan, but I couldn't help but share this bizarre little story.

18 Weeks

2011-02-23T09:01:00.003-06:00

I went shopping with my mother this past weekend for maternity clothes. I started to become terrified that was I going to wake up one morning and none of my clothes would fit. It's so funny how putting on maternity clothes makes you look more pregnant. I couldn't believe how a new dress or a cute top would make my belly seem like the main focus. We picked up a quite a few things, some things to wear now, like leggings and work out shirts, and some for later like jeans and shirts. Overall, it was a fun experience and a good excuse for some mother - daughter bonding, lunch and shopping!

How far along: 18 weeks

Weight gain/loss: up 10 lbs total

Maternity clothes: leggings and work out shirts

Sleep: terrible :(

Best moment this week: maternity clothes shopping with my mom

Food cravings: vegetables, particularly carrots and asparagus

Gender: guessing boy/boy

What I miss: sleeping

What I'm looking forward to: anatomy scan next Wednesday!!!!

17 Weeks

2011-02-15T17:17:00.003-06:00

I know its hard to tell in the picture, but I'm starting to finally get a little belly. I've become obsessed with rubbing it, particularly when I'm laying on my back in bed. Its when I can feel it the most because its so solid and protrudes slightly from my torso.

How far along: 17 weeks

Weight gain/loss: up 7 lbs

Maternity clothes: not yet

Sleep: I've been trying to sleep on my side as my back and stomach are no longer comfortable. I'm not used to sleeping on my side so its uncomfortable and I wake up a lot.

Best moment this week: two coworkers told me I'm starting to look pregnant

Food cravings: Arby's - is it wrong that it was my Valentine's dinner of choice?

Gender: still guessing boy/boy

What I miss: sleeping on my stomach

What I'm looking forward to: anatomy scan, which I still need to schedule

16 Weeks

2011-02-08T10:48:00.003-06:00

I can't believe I'm already 16 weeks. 16 weeks is 4 months and 4 months sounds so much longer than 16 weeks. It is just so surreal that I have two growing and living beings inside of me. I just love it!

I've still been feeling great, loving working out and prenatal yoga. Overall, I'm just really happy and trying to enjoy every minute of this while I'm feeling fantastic.

I had a strange episode on Sunday morning. I woke up at 4:30 am and my head was spinning. Like being drunk in college and needing to brace yourself with one foot on the floor. I woke Michael up and he thought it was my blood sugar and suggested I eat some crackers. I fell back asleep and woke up a few hours later still feeling the same. I called my OB and he said it was likely a surge in estrogen. By 10 am I felt back to normal, but it sure was scary not knowing what was wrong.

How far along: 16 weeks

Weight gain/loss: up 5 lbs

Maternity clothes: not yet

Sleep: I've been having really strange dreams lately and very detailed

Best moment this week: The look on Michael's face this morning when I got out of the shower. I have the tiniest bit of belly and he just smiled and rubbed my belly. My heart melted.

Food cravings: carrots

Gender: guessing boy/boy

What I miss: nothing

What I'm looking forward to: finding out the sexes and actually calling these babies by name

15 Weeks

2011-02-01T16:14:00.000-06:00

Yet another great week for me. I'm still feeling fantastic, other than the occassional round ligament pain. I went to the OB last week and at 14w2d, I was measuring 18 weeks. This is going to get interesting. He also showed me how to feel my uterus, which has been my new fascination. I think it is so amazing to feel it!

How far along: 15 weeks

Weight gain/loss: 4 lbs

Maternity clothes: not yet

Sleep: I think I just need to accept the fact that I won't be sleeping through the night anymore

Best moment this week: date night with Michael this past Saturday. We went to a great Irish pub and enjoyed the BEST Rueben sandwiches.

Food cravings: tomatoes, but not just any tomatoes, fresh, summer, garden-grown tomatoes. Hard to come by in January in Illinois.

Gender: thinking boy/boy

Movement: none

What I miss: nothing!

What I'm looking forward to: anatomy scan and finding out the sexes

14 Weeks

2011-01-25T17:26:00.000-06:00

Another good week for me! I started working out, took my first prenatal yoga class and think I experienced my first round ligament pains. I go see my OB on Thursday and will confirm what I actually felt was RLP, but from my non-scientific research it seems to be what it was.

How far along: 14 weeks

Weight gain/loss: 2 lbs

Maternity clothes: not yet

Sleep: it seems to be getting harder to fall back asleep after I wake up for a potty break

Best moment this week: prenatal yoga class and feeling really connected to the babies

Food cravings: carrots

Gender: still thinking boy/boy

Movement: none

What I miss: not a thing!

What I'm looking forward to: feeling the babies move

13 Weeks

2011-01-20T16:18:00.000-06:00

This has, by far, been my best week of pregnancy! I feel fantastic, I have regained my energy, I was released for exercise and sex (both of which I've been enjoying) and we've been sharing our wonderful news with family, friends and coworkers.

I've been amazed with the shared joy and excitement we've received when sharing our news. It makes me emotional when people are so over-joyed for us. I feel so blessed to have so many people in our lives to share in our excitement.

How far along: 13 weeks (though I'm late in posting and really 13w2d)

Weight gain/loss: 1 lb

Maternity clothes: not yet

Sleep: waking up between 12 am and 1:30 am to go to the bathroom, also waking up with a sore lower back

Best moment this week: telling everyone we are expecting

Food cravings: prunes (weird I know)

Gender: back to thinking boy/boy

Movement: none

What I miss: nothing right now!

What I'm looking forward to: feeling the babies move

NT Scan: Check!

2011-01-13T10:46:00.000-06:00

We had a great appointment with our MFM yesterday. Both babies are healthy, with heartbeats of 159 and 157, having functioning stomachs and kidneys and brains are properly developing. The ultrasound along with the blood work results give us great odds for having healthy babies without down syndrome or Trismoy 18/13.

We are beyond thrilled to have healthy babies and being able to watch them for 40 minutes was so amazing. Baby A is still the active one, while Baby B is bit more relaxed and laid back. We even got a guess on their sex!

They were pretty confident Baby A was a boy. Baby B was tougher, and they aren't quite sure, but also guessed a boy. I've had a feeling since the start that they were two boys. Now we just have to wait and wonder until my anatomy scan at 18 weeks!

Baby A

Baby B

12 Weeks

2011-01-11T12:50:00.000-06:00

Still nothing to look at and the 1lb I gained last week is now gone again so I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm still feeling really good and my energy is starting to come back. I'm really hoping after tomorrow's NT scan and appointment with the MFM, I can be released to exercise (and have sex). I think exercising will help me with my energy.

How far along: 12 weeks
Weight gain/loss: 0
Maternity clothes: not yet
Sleep: still waking up every night between 12 and 2:30 am
Best moment this week: sleeping straight through the night on Friday and having tons of energy to get things done around the house on Saturday. I felt great!
Food cravings: cottage cheese
Gender: no idea anymore, either boy/boy or boy/girl
Movement: too early
What I miss: exercise
What I'm looking forward to: NT scan tomorrow, hopefully everything is okay with both babies

OB Appointment: Nervous

2011-01-07T09:52:00.000-06:00

I went in yesterday for a routine OB appointment. Michael didn't go with me because my OB doesn't do ultrasounds at his office, so I thought it would be uneventful.

I got into the room and the nurse said he would try and hear the baby's heartbeats, but that it was early, they normally don't try until 13 weeks. At that point, I should have said, no, I'd prefer to wait until I was further along, but I didn't.

Dr. J. found Baby B's heartbeat right away, but never found Baby A's heartbeat. He told me not to worry, it could be the position of the baby or that it was just too early. Of course, I really didn't enjoy hearing the heartbeat, because I was so nervous and without Michael there, it just wasn't what it should be.

I'm so disappointed in the whole experience and to top it off, now I'm worried. I go in on Wednesday for my NT scan and appointment with my MFM. I'm debating on whether or not I should go in for an earlier u/s or just wait it out.

11 Weeks

2011-01-04T18:16:00.000-06:00

How far along: 11 weeks

Weight gain/loss: up 1 lb

Maternity clothes: not yet

Sleep: I'm now waking up around 12:30 every night to go to the bathroom

Best moment this week: actually having a NYE knowing there was something good to look forward to in the coming year

Food craving: fruit

Gender: still feeling 2 boys, but Michael and mother have both dreamt of boy/girl

Movement: too early

What I miss: sex, I'm still restricted through the first trimester

What I'm looking forward to: telling the rest of our families and friends

10 Weeks

2010-12-28T10:55:00.001-06:00

Not much to look at, but I figured its only a matter of time before I have a belly or more bloat and wish I had a belly shot of a relatively flat stomach. Unfortunately, I had a stupid look on my face so I had to crop my had off!

Thankfully, I finally started to feel better last week. Don't get me wrong, I still feel great, but at least I can eat more than crackers and grilled cheese. I was really sick from about 5 1/2 weeks through 9 weeks. Not that long in the grand scheme of things, but the guilt I felt made everything so much worse.

I mean, getting pregnant was a 2 1/2 year journey with 4 IVF cycles and I was miserable for the first couple weeks. I felt like I should have been happy and enjoying it. Instead I was moaning and groaning and so sick to my stomach.

I know its just the beginning of my pregnancy and I'm sure there are many more aches and pains in store, but for now, I'm going to feel happy and enjoy what I can!

How far along: 10 Weeks
Weight gain/loss: 0, finally back to my pre-pregnancy weight after losing 5 lbs early on
Maternity clothes: not yet
Sleep: wake up at nearly 1 am every night to go to the bathroom
Best moment this week: The u/s on Friday was amazing! Both babies were dancing away!
Food cravings: fruit and hamburgers
Gender: current feeling is 2 boys
Movement: too early
What I miss: having energy and working out
What I'm looking forward to: the NT scan on 1/12

Long Overdue Update

2010-12-27T15:18:00.000-06:00

We are super excited to be expecting twins! I'm currently 9w6d along and while I didn't want to blog about the procedure, the risks and the emotional baggage, I did keep track knowing I would go back and update my blog, if for nothing more than my own personal reference.

Here is the quick timeline on where we've been:
Egg retrieval: 11/2
Embryo transfer: 11/7
First positive HPT: 6dp5dt on 11/13
First beta: 9dp5dt 347
Second beta: 12dp5dt 1,073
First u/s: 12/3 showed Twins and strong heartbeats
Second u/s: 12/24 (below) showed twins moving and dancing

Second beta equally as bad

2010-06-28T16:34:00.000-05:00

I got more bad news again today. My beta hadn't changed since Friday. It was still 7.9. What boggles my mind though, are the positive home pregnancy tests I've gotten, Saturday, Sunday and today. I just cannot believe a 7.9 would show up as positive.

I was told to stop the progesterone and estrogen and come back in on Friday to make sure its going down to zero. Part of me wants to keep taking it and hope for a miracle, but the other side of me says let it go and move on.

The problem now is that I feel like I can get pregnant and I really want to try again. Like maybe there is hope for biological baby. I'm guessing this is the same part of me that wants to keep taking the meds.

Unfortunately, we are now100% out of pocket on all infertility and adoption costs and I just can't fathom the financial risk of trying IVF #4 with my eggs and Michael's sperm. I mean we've already had 3 failed attempts.

First beta - not so good

2010-06-28T08:52:00.000-05:00

On Thursday 6/24 (10dp3dt) I tested with a First Response Early Results home pregnancy test and got a negative. Of course I was disappointed, but at this point, I just wanted to move on, figure out what our next step will be (adoption or donor eggs/donor sperm).

On Friday 6/25 (11dp3dt) I went in for my beta. I told Cindy, my nurse it was negative and she said she would hold out hope for me. I stopped on my way to work, got a coffee, which I'd been avoiding for the last 2 weeks and went about my day.

About 2 pm I get a call from Cindy, telling me we were bot wrong. My beta was a 7.9. Anything below a 5 is considered negative and anything below a 50 is cause for concern for a first beta. She said, in all likeliness, this will end in a chemical pregnancy.

Honestly, I wasn't even sad, I was shocked and couldn't believe this mind fuck game that was about to ensue. This was our last shot for a biological child and I just couldn't believe it was likely going to end in a chemical pregnancy. Poor Mike just kept saying, 'but there's still a chance, right?'

So the next two days I peed on more sticks and this time got positives. I always thought I would be so happy, but instead I was just sad because I had a feeling this would drag out. And is there any hope? I don't know. But I hope so.

I'm still taking the progesterone shots and estrogen patches. I went back for my repeat beta today. I'm guessing it went up since I was getting positives on the home pregnancy tests. I just have a feeling this is going to be a long game that I just don't want to play.

Embryos on board

2010-06-14T19:02:00.000-05:00

We went in today for a three day transfer and transferred all three. We had 10, 9 and 8 cell embryos graded 2, 2 and a 3 (1 being the best). Although we only ended up with 3, we were both glad they seemed to be progressing right along and graded alright. Here they are:

Not the news I was hoping for

2010-06-13T09:08:00.000-05:00

We were on the train on our way into Chicago when I got the call yesterday morning. I didn't ask any questions because a) I didn't want to cry on the train and b) didn't want to air my personal information on a crowded train.

All I know is 3 eggs fertilized. We are both extremely disappointed because we were both hoping this would be the one. Now, we just aren't so sure. I'm waiting for a call this morning to find out what time we need to be at the office on Monday for the 3 day transfer.

A full carton of eggs

2010-06-11T10:51:00.000-05:00

We just got back from the egg retrieval and both of us, as well as Dr. D. are happy with the 12 eggs he retrieved. At this point, I hope the DHEA did some magic and my eggs are good quality and fertilize normally.

Tomorrow we will find out the fertilization report. As long as its more than 3, which is what we had last time, we will be happy. So far, I'd say we are off to a good start and I know Dr. D. is really pleased.

Fingers still crossed!

Trigger tonight and egg retrieval on Friday

2010-06-09T17:13:00.000-05:00

I went in again this morning for monitoring - third day in a row. This always seems to happen. Its like I'm almost there but not yet and I go in several days in a row.

Needless to say, I was happy when my phone rang and caller ID showed it was Cindy calling with my news. The first she said was Dr. Deutch is really excited with the way I've been responding. My e2 is the highest its ever been and I have more (and more mature) follies than I've ever had (thank you DHEA).

Here is where I'm at at trigger with the caveat that Dr. D. did this ultrasound and the last two have been done by Cindy. She said he doesn't measure all of them, only the several biggest ones.

e2: 3, 481
Lining: 10
Right ovary: 14, 14, 14, 15, 16
Left ovary: 10, 11, 15, 16, 17, 17, 20

Cindy said they expect to get somewhere around 10 at retrieval - could be less, could be more. Either way I'm totally stoked. As recap, IVF #1 yielded 3 mature eggs, IVF #2 yielded 7 mature eggs and I'm really hoping our last and final IVF kicks some serious egg-ass.

I trigger tonight at 9:50 pm and egg retrieval is Friday at 7:50 am.

I called Michael with the exciting news and also alerted him that we either needed to have sex tonight or he needed to take care of himself. He laughed and told me he would try to wait until I got home from work. Nice answer big guy.

Unfortunately, the IVF bloat, terrible complexion and bruised up blood-drawing arms don't make me feel all too sexy....unless of course we role play that I'm a dirty IV-drug user, because that's sorta what I feel like.

Not quite there yet

2010-06-08T14:42:00.000-05:00

I went in for monitoring again this morning. I'm close, but not quite there yet. Here is where I'm at:

e2: 2, 432
Right ovary: 9, 12, 14, 15, 16, 17
Left ovary: 10, 10, 12, 12, 14, 15, 15, 16
And 6 smaller ones

My IVF nurse Cindy told me I'm 'progressing beautifully' and theoretically, anything at size 12 at trigger will be mature by egg retrieval. Cindy mentioned I've been growing at an average of 2 mm per day so she is hoping my 10's get to 12's. That would be fabulous news. Although at this point I'd be happy with 7 again as long as more fertilize.

I go back again tomorrow morning and will likely trigger tomorrow for the egg retrieval on Friday. Fingers are crossed!

In the midst of IVF #3

2010-06-07T16:59:00.000-05:00

I've been a bad blogger. We took a 3 month break and I just recently started stims for our last and final IVF on 5/30/10. It wasn't until I was curious about my follicles and e2 and looked back at my blog that I decided I should keep blogging.

In the 3 month break, I started taking DHEA, which I had to twist Dr. Deutch's arm in order for him to prescribe. Hopefully the DHEA has helped improve my egg quality and quantity.

I'm doing the microdose-lupron protocol. I'm on 20 units of diluted lupron twice daily, 450 units of gonal-f, 10 units of low dose HCG and baby asprin.

I went in for monitoring this morning and the picture looks a little something like this:

e2: 1,980
Right ovary: 11, 11, 12, 13, 15, 17
Left ovary: 10, 12, 12, 12, 13, 14
And 5 smaller ones

I started this cycle with the highest antral follicle count I've ever had, 17, rather than 11 and 9. I like to think this is because of the DHEA. I was also complimented on my ovaries looking better than they've ever looked. Quite possibly the best compliment I've ever received.

I go back tomorrow and I'm guessing I will be triggering tomorrow night. My fingers are really crossed. We are out of insurance coverage after this one so our next options would be out of pocket for donor eggs and sperm or adoption.

Beautiful Blogger Award

2010-02-16T10:44:00.001-06:00

Lucky me, I just found out I received my second blog award today! I'd like to thank the academy, my dear husband for providing colorful content and my wonderful readers! No really, thank you to Flutterby918 for nominating me! I think you were he first blog I started following upon embarking on this journey. You've always been uplifting and encouraging!

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows;

- Thank the person who nominated you

- Copy the award and place it in your blog

- Link to the person who nominated you

- Tell us 7 interesting things about you

- Nominate 7 bloggers

- Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate

7 interesting things about me:

1) I met my husband on Match.com 5 1/2 years ago

2) Michael and I both scuba dive and were thrilled to see reef sharks while diving last spring in Belize

3) I have been skydiving

4) I have two wonderful rescued pit bulls, Nina and Billy and they are the sweetest dogs

5) In May we are hosting a 17 year old from Jamaica with a heart condition while he gets medical treatment through a program called Healing the Children

6) I love to cook and like to make a new recipe every week

7) No matter how thin I am, I always have a big ass

Bloggers I nominate:

1) Heather Cara

2) Lindsey Mixed

3) My IVF Reality

4) K K K Katy

5) Think (+) Positive

6) Jlynn

7) Stuart and Sarah Creamer

From the Mouth of Michael: A Kick in the Balls, Negative Beta

2010-02-08T15:13:00.000-06:00

Man that hurts. I just got kicked in the balls without expecting it. I am feeling uncomfortable pain and a loss of breath from the blow. This all happened when I picked up the phone. Yes, by picking up the phone. It was Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010. I thought this was going to be the day when I would receive the biggest relief I would ever experience. Before going into that day, there was a really good feeling of hope that Rebecca and I were going to get the great news that Rebecca was pregnant. Unfortunately, it wasn't going to be the day I was envisioning.

It was about 2:00 pm when the phone rang. I answered the phone in just 1 ½ rings. I don't know if there is such a thing as a 1/2 ring, but the point was I answered it quickly and we know there is no way of answering the phone on just the first ring. My heart was beating and I was able to keep the phone rested against my ear from shaking. It was weird because I played out this phone call in my head all day long. But I was playing it out all wrong. In fact it was the complete opposite. I was expecting to be smiling and crying all at the same time. But, the real way it played out was I was stricken with shock. I didn't know what to say or think. We put so much into this. It was our fault for being so optimistic about getting pregnant this time. I would have to say I was 85% sure I would be getting a call with saying it worked.

It has been 4 full days since we got the "no go" news. It has been a hard transition from feeling really happy and glowing a week or so ago, to feeling confused, frustrated, sad, etc. I think we are experiencing every feeling known to man all at the same time. This is our test. God or whoever is in charge of letting someone get pregnant was not going to do us that favor. Instead, I would like to view it as "the baby keeper" wasn't willing to bless us that day. He was testing us on how we would react and feel. "The Baby Keeper" did this to make Rebecca and me stronger and more in sync with each other. After the dust settles and we are able to grapple with our infertility problems and decisions, we will look back and say we are even more prepared to be responsible, understanding adults that can come up with tough decisions in the future. With our situation and the recent news, we are being trained and prepared for tough obstacles life throws us.

If I felt like I got kicked in the nuts, I can't even come up with anything that would resemble the pain Rebecca was feeling. Maybe it is like a blow to the head resulting in a concussion. Or maybe the feeling of getting stabbed in the heart. Whatever she felt, I wish I could have felt the same thing so I would at least feel we got even "blows".

She was getting injections daily. These injections were causing crazy hormonal and chemical shifts to occur. The shifts brought feelings of uncomfortably and emotional highs and lows. I don't want to make it sound like Rebecca turned into a poltergeist and had her head spinning all the way around. Rebecca is doing as well as any female could do in this situation. She is a strong girl, but her emotions fly out like fireballs sometimes. She went through the ringer for almost a month only to get news that all those sacrifices did not work. I feel bad for Rebecca, more so than I feel sorry for myself or us in general. She did better these past few days than I expected. By saying this, in no means do I say she was alright. I am just saying I was experiencing a tornado. Her emotions were building for every moment she thought about the "negative". The buildup was causing me to think of sirens and me rounding us and the dogs up to go in the basement before our house is ripped off its foundation.

What causes a Tornado:

Tornadoes (build up of negative emotions) occur with thunderstorms (injectable stimulating medicine). There are a couple of ways that they form. Most strong and violent tornadoes occur with super cell thunderstorms (hormonal imbalance). Thunderstorms occur when warm moist air (Lupron) is forced upward by the heat of the afternoon sun, a cold front, or other weather disturbance (syringe). If the atmosphere is unstable (all the damn doctor visits), strong upward currents (Gonal-F) called updrafts lift the air until water vapor condenses forming clouds (follicle stimulation) and precipitation. The falling precipitation (HCG the trigger), causes a downward air current called a downdraft (time waiting in between retrieval and transfer). So to have thunderstorms (inject able stimulation) there must be:
1) Moisture (Lupron)
2) Unstable air (Gonal-F)
3) Something to lift the warm moist air up.

But as I mentioned most tornadoes occur with a special storm type called a super cell (the whole IVF process). Super cells occur with a certain wind conditions. The updraft in a thunderstorm to rotate (estrogen dominance). If the updraft is strong enough (levels as high as 450 pg/ml) and if the wind shear is strong enough, a tornado may occur. Super cells (Progesterone injections), also produce large hail (bloating), strong winds (loss of energy) and heavy rain (cramping).

What to do when a tornado hits:

Go to a pre-designated shelter (hug your wife) area such as a safe room, basement, storm cellar, or the lowest building level. If there is no basement (no hug), go to the center of an interior room (let her cry on your shoulder) on the lowest level. Stay away from corners (not listening), windows (say too much), doors (say something that is going to upset her more), and outside walls (don't distance yourself from your wife). Put as many walls as possible between you and the outside (give more hugs and kisses). Get under a sturdy table (talk) and use your arms (closeness) to protect your head and neck (thoughts). Do not open windows (think only negative thoughts).

I am no meteorologist, but I do feel like I am an Invitro-confused-saddened-oligist. I don't really know much about weather. I had to Google all this information. I just copied and pasted all this unnecessary information. I hope who ever reads this learns something. Weather is much easier to predict and easier to caution yourself and others from the elements. But the Invitro process is not easy to predict and when it is occurring, you don't know what the fuck to do or expect. Things can happen to a couple when you are not ready for it.
I also hope this information about "what to do", helps any husband out there on what to do and avoid doing. Trust me when I say there is nothing you can do to prepare for the bad news. The only thing you can do is pick up the pieces and build a new house. No, I don't mean build an actual new house. (but actually that would be something to take your mind and focuses off of the thought of failed IVF). Pick each other up, give each other a hug, and let things fall into place before proceeding to make the next decision. We are close to that point of coming up with the next plan. A plan is much needed to give us some closure on our recent sad thoughts. We might be facing going with options that we never thought we would ever have to choose.

Today, I am going to see if my insurance will cover another IVF. I am praying we have another one left. It would make our decision to attempt another IVF cycle much easier. The financial risks and costs on all the other options are scary when you are paying out of your own pocket. It is scary thinking if you go the donated egg or adoption route, and it works, you are starting out your new family being $25,000 - $30,000 dollars in debt. In the perfect world you are suppose to be ready to cover the additional cost of having a child.

This is and was a test on Rebecca and I. A test to better us individually and as a couple. We are being forced to make a very hard decision together. It could be the hardest decision we ever make. If it is the hardest decision, we can look forward to things seeming easier in the future. It is like when you are working out. At the gym, you feel pressured to put the most amount of weight onto the bench press bar that you can possibly lift. You want to look stronger by putting on the larger sized weights on. You could put smaller weights on that can equal you maximum weight, but visually it looks more impressive with the one large size weight. So you do a few reps of the weights that made you close to breaking a blood vessel in your head when struggling to push the bar up to the stand. Then you decide to put on less weight. When you do that, the next set of reps seem so easy because moments before you were lifting much heavier weight.
I know I went all over with this analogy. I will try to summarize this up. By lifting heavy weights and looking cool, you are setting yourself up for the next set to seem even easier. By Rebecca and I going through this and being "forced" to make a very hard decision (heavy weights). In the future (second set of reps) will make all other decisions (second set with smaller weights) seem not as tough as they really are. We will know it won't ever get any harder than this. We have hit the peak that everyone (including ourselves) avoid. Unfortunately we cannot avoid this one and we have to deal with it in our own synchronized stride together.

Bonus advice:

To all husbands that have or are going to go through the IVF cycle with their wife, I have a few suggestions. This will help husbands realize what can happen if the IVF doesn't work or let husbands relate to what it is like after getting the bad news. It is a time when your wife is not to strong and is not able to go through it alone. Guys, be strong. Show her that you are saddened, but not in a way that is going to make her cry even more than she probably is already. Also, listen to her and her thoughts before saying anything. Get a feel for where she is at. This delay will help. It is because whatever you say, she is going to be thinking that you have no right to comment on things, because "you don't know how I feel and how much I had to go through".
I made the mistake of saying too much at first. I slowly realized to talk and say the minimum. I don't think any guy knows how to really deal with a very emotionally charged woman. They don't even know how to deal with themselves. Guys you need to realize this and accept that there is no sure way to put out the fire. In my case the well was dry and the fire was spreading. I quickly re-grouped the next day. I just tried to put the idea in her head that we still have a chance for it to work and if not we have other ways to start a family. These words should be used. "If we have to go the route that wasn't our first choice, we have other ways to become parents. In the end of all this, we will have child to raise no matter what. That is a Men's Ware House guarantee."

Guys, get some flowers, a card, chocolate, etc. Anything to make her feel like you care. It also helps makes you look like the best husband at the same time. I went the card route. The biggest challenge is finding one sympathy card that doesn't involve death. I found one that was labeled "motivational" card. It was right by the cheesy sympathy cards. It was a wise purchase and helped ease the tension Rebecca and I were feeling.

The card read like this:

IF I RULED THE WORLD:

(Dogs and Cats would get along.)

(It would never rain on weekends.)

(Shoes would be comfortable the first time you wore them.)

*****I personally added this*******
Mamabear (Rebecca's nick name) would be pregnant.

(And only good things would happen to good people. Good people like you!)

(Sure wish I Ruled the world)

******I personally added this******
Don't give up hope. We will have a child someday.

If you want to save $3.00, make your own card using these words and look like you are so creative and sensitive all at the same time.

If anyone reads this crap, let me know what you think about it. Thank you. It feels good to vent.

Head Up My Ass: Beta Tomorrow

2010-02-02T16:48:00.000-06:00

I'm starting to turn into a ball of nerves. I've felt so confident and positive this entire cycle. I've peed on three pregnancy tests and they've all come back negative. Of course I still have my head up my ass hoping some kind of HCG magical power will bless me with good news tomorrow.

I normally don't have head shoved up my ass, but this is the first real chance we've had at becoming pregnant. Our last IVF was cancelled at the embryo transfer so in my mind, it doesn't even count. Michael knows when I'm imagining myself pregnant, he tells me I glow. It must be the image of us being blissfully happy knowing I'm carrying a baby that keeps my head jammed up voluptuous tush.

I just don't think I'm ready to let go of that hope. Perhaps I need a miracle.

From the Mouth of Michael: Porn Freak

2010-01-29T08:40:00.000-06:00

I don't know what was going on in the nurses' head; when they heard a female voice moaning and groaning, along with the slapping sounds followed by an "oh yeah". I was already uneasy going with Rebecca to have the egg retrieval. This is a picture of us right before the egg retrieval and the 'incident'.

It was our second time through the process and the second retrieval we have gone through. I was more nervous this second time for a few reasons. My first time through the retrieval experience was a 'do it in a cup at home'. Which is less nerve racking because I am what you would say 'in the comfort zone'. This time around, I would have to do the deed in a room that felt like I was in a closet that had plumbing. Once again I feared of making sure I could perform on myself properly, and at the same time having the fear of making an 'air ball'. Yes, missing the rim (the cup).

I came prepared with my portable DVD player and a new video that I had never experienced before the retrieval. So I had to do a little previewing before I started my 'duty' for the day. I plugged in my ear buds and pressed play with my shaky finger. Well, we don't have to go into the process any further than that. The outcome is I performed and got enough to to work with.

Once completed, my heart dropped. I took out my ear buds and suddenly realized the sounds of a woman 'going through the ringer' was blasting from my DVD player speakers. It usually cuts out the sound when the ear buds are plugged in. But not this time. I was wondering why the sound through the ear buds was much louder and clearer than usual.

While my wife is being put out and having things shoved in her that are not 'natural' all I could think about was what the nurses were thinking. I was red in the face and just wanted to sneak out of the 'closet'. But instead, I had to hit the intercom button to let the nurse know she needed to come retrieve my sample (load). The sad thing is that the nurse probably new it was time to collect after all the moaning and groaning came to an abrupt end.

It is funny how the initial fear was not even close to as bad as my experience in that damn 'beat me off closet'. I went into the waiting room, just anticipating my wife coming out crying. That is because that is what happened during the first retrieval (estrogen levels at the scary range). I knew the only good thing to come of my 'volume mishap', was if she came out crying, I had something to make her laugh. Still wasn't so funny to me at that point, but I still wanted to share my embarrassment (for the sake of keeping my wife from crying).

I think I told her three or four separate times of what happened. I got her to chuckle each time. The only problem was that every time I told my 'closet story', I thought she was coherent. But unfortunately that was not the case. I would tell her what happened followed by a chuckle, and two minutes later she would ask me what happened. I don't think my story is what kept Rebecca from crying this time. I think it was that she went into the whole process being more prepared and stronger. I am proud of Rebecca holding in the tears. She did great!

The next fear settled in. That being the car ride home after the retrieval. The car ride was either going to be joyousness and full of conversation or a ride home filled with doom and gloom and a lot of silence!

The doctor came in and told us he retrieved seven. This came as a relief (finally). Considering our poor out come through the first IVF procedure. We never even made it to the transfer the first time. We had seven compared to the four retrieved in the first attempt. That meant we had three more "chances" of getting at least one good fertilized egg. That being so, I would have to say we would probably be talking positively with each other on the way home, rather than the painful silence.

So, if anyone out there that reads this; use this little blog to help warn any husbands out there going through the IVF procedures - test your volume before putting in ear buds. It is sure amazing the technological quality they have come up with to make ear buds able to cancel out about 99% of all outside sounds. Please warn your husband and/or let anyone you know going through this. It could make the difference in having it feel less uncomfortable between the 'Porn Freak' and the nurses, to make sure the sound is only with the one performing and not directed out into the halls outside of the 'closet'.

Now onto the last fear I was facing. That fear being the greatest of all. How many were mature-how many will fertilize- and how many will be transferred? With this blog pointing out all of my fears, I can comfortably say I hope this is the last final experience of our IVF procedures! My wife and I both can not take the influx of hormones going on in the process while being stuck with needles everyday. Injecting something into the female body that can alter her mood and feelings in a great way can be scary in itself.

I have come up with a scenario that could possibly sum up the IVF process. The process is like going through the airport with the security alert level being on red. You will probably eventually get to your flight, but you will have to go through hell to get there!

2 Embryos on Board

2010-01-26T09:01:00.000-06:00

I've been really bad at posting and keeping this updated. I'd like to blame my husband. I'm convinced he downloaded some kind of a virus on our computer at home and its been out of commission for 5 days now. I've finally gotten a lull at work and figured I write a quick update.

Wednesday's egg retrieval resulted in 7 mature eggs. Unfortunately, only 3 of them fertilized normally. Of course we spent the three days leading up to the embryo transfer worrying and reliving our last round of IVF where we had nothing left to transfer.

On Saturday we went in and were pleasantly surprised to learn we still had 3 developing embryos. They are graded on a scale of 1-4, with 4 being the best. After 3 days, they like to see the embryos at an 8 cell embryo. Here is what we had:

10-cell grade 4
8-cell grade 3
10-cell grade 2

We transferred the 10-cell grade 4 and 8-cell grade 3 as those were the strongest and graded the best. The 10-cell grade 2 was kept in the lab to monitor and see what it does. If it makes it another 3 days then they will freeze it.

I can't even tell how you amazing it was to know we were putting back two embryos that could potentially be our children. Its been such an emotional journey and clearly we are praying our hearts out for this cycle to end with a pregnancy. As soon as our computer is fixed, I will scan and post the picture of our embryos.

Day 8 Stim Check & Egg Retrieval on Wednesday

2010-01-18T16:35:00.000-06:00

I went in again this morning for another stim check. My poor vagina is getting more action from the dildo cam than anything else! Here is how we are making out:

Left ovary: 18, 16, 15, 15, 13, 12, 12
Right ovary: 17, 15, 11 and three smaller ones
e2: 2,796

This afternoon I got the call that I need to trigger tonight with my 10,000 units of HCG and my egg retrieval will be on Wednesday at 7:50 am. Embryo transfer (god willing) will be either Saturday or Monday.

By the end of this, especially if I have the transfer on Monday, I'm sure my boss will think I'm dying. I've already been in late two days in the past week because of doctor's appointments/blood work and then I told her I would be out on Wednesday for some medical "testing". She got really concerned and said, 'I sure hope everything is okay'. She also asked what work she could do for me. I said I would get it taken care of, but I should have pushed back the board of directors presentation and holdings company deck she pawned off on me earlier today.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers on Wednesday!

Day 7 Stim Check

2010-01-17T18:00:00.001-06:00

This morning we traveled an hour to our RE's main office for another stim check. This was my first stim check at this office and it started off on the wrong foot. Perhaps I'm a bit sensitive and irritable, but when the nurse called out Becky and was looking right in my face I was totally annoyed. Granted I grew up as Becky and my family still calls me Becky, but all my paperwork says Rebecca. Why the hell did she call me Becky? She quickly apologized why I snidely asked her if she was talking to me.

We went back into the ultrasound room and she seemed to have a very difficult time reading my left ovary as it was high. I'm not even sure she knew what she was doing and actually got on her phone during the procedure asking another nurse to come in and help. I'm not putting too much stock into my results because somewhere in the last two days I've lost a couple follicles. How the hell does that happen?

After the ultrasound, the nurse that came in to assist actually finished up with me and blood work. She must have been able to tell how damn irritated I was. Anyways, here is where we stand:

Left ovary: 15, 14, 14, 10, 9 and 4 smaller ones
Right ovary: 15, 12 and 3 smaller ones
e2: 1430

I'm continuing at my 375 of Gonal-F, 20 units of diluted Lupron and 10 units of low dose HCG. I have go back tomorrow morning for another check. Of course they cannot get me until 7:50 am. Awesome.

Day 5 Stim Check

2010-01-15T16:49:00.000-06:00

It was after today's appointment that I realized how night and day my two IVF cycles are. Dr. D. is much more aggressive with my doses and I really think its going to pay off. After 5 days of stims my follicles are:

Left ovary: 12, 11, 11, 11, 11, 7 and 5 that are too small to measure and likely won't turn into anything

Right ovary: 12, 10 and 4 smaller ones

My e2 is 959

For IVF #1 I ended up with a total of 7 eggs retrieved and only 4 mature. Additionally, my e2 was just under 1,000 at time of trigger.

At this point I'm staying on the 375 nightly iu of Gonal-F and adding in 10 iu of low dose HCG and I will keep on the 20 units diluted Lupron twice daily. I go back in on Sunday morning for another check.

Keep your fingers crossed!

And We're Off....No Scrambled Eggs for Me

2010-01-11T15:52:00.000-06:00

Although my IVF cycle tecnhnically started on 12/25 when I began the birth control, it really feels like it started last night. I started my diluted dose of Lupron on Friday and then started my Gonal-F (stims) last night.

I still haven't decided if I'm more nervous or excited. I still carry with me that renewed sense of hope the new doctor and protocol instilled in me back in October. I'm just now starting to see the difference a new doctor makes. I'm on a totally different protocol, my first dose of stims last night was 450 compared to the 150 I was for the first round of IVF.

This has to be a good thing, right? I mean I know I will never produce 20 eggs due to my low antral follicle count, but hopefully I can get at more than 4 mature eggs. I promise not to scramble or hardboil them......

From the Mouth of Michael: The Pressures of Spooging on Demand

2010-01-05T10:14:00.000-06:00

From the Mouth of Michael:

On December 31st we made another visit to the RE so Rebecca could have a mock transfer.

I had the fortunate experience to give them a sample for them to freeze incase for some reason I am not able to produce any when it comes to the day they do the egg retrieval and do the insemination. It is never something I look forward to. But I got it out of the way and is one less thing or fear I have on my mind right know.

It reminds me of a swim meet. I have swam the back stroke before by practicing, but not sure how I was to perform in the race. Visualizing the race in my head, but getting more nervous as it got closer to the time the clock started. What if I got tired right away? What if it is really close? What if I get a bad time?

This was the same thing. What if I went into the room and didn't get a good time!!! No, not have a good time, get a good time!!!! Well my swim meet is over and I feel like I swam the best I could for the day and circumstances. Just have one big meet left coming up. I hope I don't die on the last lap!!!!!

New Technique: Positive Thinking

2009-12-30T13:17:00.000-06:00

Forgive me for not remembering, but someone mentioned their doctor recommended they should imagine themselves being pregnant for 5 minutes each day. I've since added that into our nightly routine.

Every night after we get ourselves ready for bed, we spend some quality cuddle time with Nina and Billy. They sometimes are cuddling with each other in the same bed, but as of lately, Nina snuggles into a little (or big) ball on a chair and Billy curls himself into his 90 lb ball on one of their beds.

While cuddling and loving the dogs we now talk about what we look forward to if/when we find out I'm pregnant.

Night 1

Me: The first time Mike is able to feel the baby kick

Mike: Rubbing my belly knowing there is a baby in there

Night 2 (we must have been really tired because these are both pretty weak)

Me: Not having to each sandwiches every day for lunch - I'm so sick of lunch meat

Mike: Changing my ring tone to Rock-a-Bye Baby

I will try to keep the list running, hopefully, one of these days we will be able to experience it.

Excuse me, I'd like off this roller coaster now

2009-12-28T13:38:00.000-06:00

I've been a terrible blogger. Part of that is from the holiday rush and busy work schedule, but I also think its because I just haven't felt like myself lately. I'm very emotional and am having a hard time finding balance before things change again.

What was supposed to be a one-cycle break between IVF cycles turned into two cycles. Just when I accepted that I went in for my annual pap and it came back abnormal. I went in for my colposcopy/biopsy on 12/23.

Dr. D. said he would continue with our plan providing the results come back okay and not needing further treatment (LEEP procedure). I'm pretty much on pins and needles until Wednesday.

I did start birth control pills on 12/25 (Merry Christmas) for 10 days leading up the Lupron. I'm hoping and praying that the biopsy comes back normal so we can proceed. I go in on Thursday for a mock transfer and for Mike to freeze some sperm. Sounds like a fun New Years Eve, doesn't it?

Appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor

2009-11-23T14:02:00.000-06:00

First off, I've been a bad blogger. A few days after I met with the new RE, he called me for two reasons. One: he requested I meet with a maternal fetal medicine (MFM) doctor due to my history of polymyocitis, an autoimmune disease and my hypothyroid. Two: he suggested we meet with a genetic counselor due to my family history of colon cancer.

After lots of thought and several heart-to-hearts with Mike, we decided we would not go through with the genetic counseling for the cancer. This was a hard decision as my mother is in remission from colon cancer and I lost a wonderful cousin to colo-rectal cancer at the young age of 36. There were a couple factors that played into our decision, the most major being with my low AFC we weren't all too confident that we'd ever get enough eggs to have the luxury of knowing and selecting the best and healthiest eggs.

We did, however, decide to meet with a MFM and did so this morning. He informed us of all the things that could be associated with autoimmune diseases like gestational diabetes, increased chance of miscarriage and heart development issues in the fetus. He recommended a blood test to check and see if I'm a carrier of two genes that are tied to the fetus heart development issues.

We also talked about my hypothyroid diagnosis and he also mentioned if the thyroid is not regulated properly it increases your chance for a miscarriage. He therefore recommended that as soon as I find out I'm pregnant, I should double my synthroid and get in for blood work right away.

Because of both of my health concerns he said he would recommend a lot of ultrasounds and tests once I actually am pregnant and overall felt confident that I would be able to have a normal and healthy pregnancy.

Mike and I were both happy with him and they way he explained things. He really wanted us to understand the concerns and his recommendations. Essentially what he is doing is laying out my care plan for when I do become pregnant and sharing that with my RE. Its nice to feel like they are looking out for me and our baby.

I am expecting my period any day now and then will go see Dr. D for blood work and the dildocam. We are both excited to get the show on the road for IVF #2.

Renewed Sense of Hope

2009-10-28T08:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday evening we had a consultation with a different clinic in our area. I'm so glad Michael pushed me into making and keeping the appointment. Although not as geographically convenient, Dr. D. and his nurse were light years ahead of the last clinic in terms of compassion, knowledge and personality.

Dr. D, who closely resembles Harold Ramis as Dr. Egon Spengler in Ghostbusters (yes, I had to Google that), actually has 10 month old twins born from IVF so clearly he understands the emotional roller coaster of infertility.

He reviewed our records and had the same major question we did, why didn't Dr. K increase my stims mid cycle? Dr. D was not only concerned about Mike's low motility, morph and testosterone, but also his volume is low so in turn his count is low too.

Dr. D also expressed some concern over my elevated FSH of 10.7 (follicle stimulation hormone). He really likes to see it at least below 9. He also said my AFC of 9 (antral follicle count) wasn't where it should be for my age which could be Decreased Ovarian Reserve. Thankfully, he did a dildo cam ultrasound and counted 13 antral follicles. He mentioned, it will likely be higher but since I've been on birth control for 2 weeks my ovaries are suppressed. Dr. D also mentioned my AMH (anti-mullerian hormone) number is normal.

I got a little worked up when he was talking about decreased ovarian reserve and Dr. D calmed my nerves saying all labs read things slightly different and the numbers they get could be different. I definitely felt much better after the ultrasound and hope when I go back for CD3 blood work my FSH will fall into the normal range too.

Overall, he said they would do the Microdose Lupron protocol and not have me on BCP for more than 10 days for risk of over-suppression. He said they will also be very aggressive with the stimulation. They would also do ICSI and he feels overall our embryos have a better chance in their lab as they are very 'type A' about every detail. Dr. D's words, not mine.

My next steps include stopping the BCP and waiting for my next period to go in for CD3 blood work and ultrasound and moving on from there.

I'm so glad we got a second opinion and Michael and I both have a new sense of hope. We can only pray this cycle works and brings us a little miracle.

Hello IVF #2

2009-10-16T09:20:00.000-05:00

The last 12 days have been a living hell. IVF on its own is a roller coaster of emotions, but IVF with no embryos to transfer is a whole new mind game.

Its like a grieving process, you go through second guessing everything, finding someone/something to blame, self diagnosis and research and then finally acceptance. Google is like the little devil that sits on your shoulder and tells you to "just Google one more thing".

At times I wasn't sure who was having a harder time dealing with this, although we both dealt with it in different ways. Michael had the Google devil on his shoulder while I cried a lot. I found a lot of comfort with the girls on the Infertility discussion board on the Bump. I believe Michael found his comfort in research.

On Tuesday we went to see Dr. K for our WTF appointment - as in what the fuck happened. He addressed all our concerns without us really needing to ask. Since he's been doing this for 20+ years I'm sure he knew what would have been asked.

Essentially, it boils down to my medication doses. I'm considered a poor responder and I wasn't stimulated enough. They thought I would have had more mature eggs at retrieval. He didn't see a need to do any further testing at this time because he thinks if he ups my doses the next time I will have more mature eggs and more to fertilize that will make it to transfer. He seemed confident he'd have me pregnant by Christmas.

As part of our grieving and the Google Devil, we also looked into a couple other clinics. We've agonized over whether or not to switch clinics for at least a full week. In the end, we've decided we would have a consult with the new doctor but in the meantime, I'm starting my BCP for my second IVF.

I finally feel like the grieving, anxiety and tension are behind us and we can move ahead. We should have a good weekend. I have a hair appointment followed by Notre Dame football game and then a birthday party for a friend on Saturday. Sunday should be our normal routine - Mendards and the grocery store.

Blog Awards

2009-10-16T08:53:00.000-05:00

Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey~
1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Your hair? blonde
3. Your mother? caring
4. Your father? FrankieJ
5. Your favorite food? shrimp
6. Your dream last night? blur
7. Your favorite drink? water
8. Your dream/goal? Baby
9. What room are you in? cube
10. Your hobby? scuba
11. Your fear? failure
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Mother
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something that you aren’t? shy
15. Muffins? pumpkin
16. Wish list item? maid
17. Where did you grow up? Illinois
18. Last thing you did? coffee
19. What are you wearing? earings
20. Your TV? Samsung
21. Your pets? Dogs
22. Friends? Awesome
23. Your life? STRESSFUL
24. Your mood? Tired
25. Missing someone? Michelle
26. Vehicle? Ford
27. Something you’re not wearing? socks
28. Your favorite store? http://www.potterybarn.com/
29. Your favorite color? Green
30. When was the last time you laughed? Yesterday
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday
32. Your best friend? Michael
33. One place that I go to over and over? Work
34. One person who emails me regularly? Marcia
35. Favorite place to eat? Kaminari

Bloggers I want to past this award on to:
Mixed
Some Womb Thoughts
K-K-K-Katy
MyIVF Reality
Thoughts from an Overwrought Mind
JME's World

Chance

2009-10-07T19:13:00.001-05:00

I'd really like to know if the embryologist got to tell my embryos I love them. I will never get that chance. They never even got the chance to come back to me. They didn't make it. The one stopped dividing, never made it past a two-cell embryo. The other kept fragmenting. I don't even know what to say I just wanted a chance and its gone.

Transfer Cancelled

2009-10-06T10:47:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe this happening. About 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave for the embryo transfer I get a call from one of the embryologist at Dr. K's. She tells me the embryos aren't ready for transfer. WHAT? Of the two that fertilized one is progressing slowly, it should be a four cell embryo by now, but its only a two cell. The other one has fragmented. She said it could be fragmenting to get rid of the bad cells and still turn around. She made it perfectly clear that she is not telling me they are not viable, she is waiting for the embryos to tell her if they are viable or not. Must be nice to be able to talk to embryos - please tell them I love them.

Embryo Transfer Tomorrow

2009-10-05T18:11:00.000-05:00

So after sitting on pins and needles since yesterday, I got a call at work from the nurse at Dr. K's office saying she had some good news. Our two embryos are doing very good and ready for a 3 day transfer tomorrow. She said we'd have the opportunity to sit down and talk to embryology to discuss the other eggs/embryos. I will keep praying that these two transfer back, snuggle in and make themselves at home.

Only 2 Fertilized

2009-10-04T11:37:00.000-05:00

I just got the call this morning that only 2 of the 7 eggs retrieved yesterday were fertilized. We are beyond disappointed and hope those 2 make to transfer. When I spoke to the nurse this morning she thought it would be a 3 day transfer, meaning Tuesday. I'm heartbroken.

Egg Retrieval This Morning

2009-10-03T14:44:00.000-05:00

After 13 days of stims, many trips to Dr. K's for ultrasound and blood monitoring, I finally got the green light to trigger on Thursday night for Saturday retrieval. My stomach has enough welts and bruises and I'm emotionally drained.

Mike administered my Novarel trigger injection at exactly 9 pm on Thursday night. The shot itself didn't hurt, but I woke up several times throughout the night because I was laying on my stomach and the injection site was sore. By sore I mean, sensitive to the touch, even the water in the shower, hurt.

On Friday I was wearing my new pair of 7 jeans that I scored for a deal on RueLaLa. Boy was that a mistake. They hit me a bit higher on the waist for 8 hours I cursed myself for wearing them. Although they looked wonderful with my red patent leather Enzo pumps. The price we must pay to look cute.

Based on my last ultrasound on Thursday morning - early morning - 6:30 early morning, they saw 9 follicles, four of which were already mature and they figured after a couple more days and the trigger a couple more would catch up. I told Mike I was convinced somehow we would end back up at 7.

Saturday morning the dogs got up about 5 am for breakfast and to go potty. Mike got up with them, had a couple of left over pieces of pizza and came back to bed. I'm always hungry when I first wake up, however due to the ER this morning, I wasn't able to eat or drink after midnight. As gross as it sounds, Mike came back to bed with pizza breath and it made me even more hungry. Dare I say, it smelled good?!?

We slept for another couple hours before getting up and getting ready. Mike was lucky enough to be able to produce his semen sample at home. Once he was done, we hopped in the car and headed to Dr. K's. This was the first trip I've been on with Mike and his semen and I've never seen him drive that fast with so much fury and frustration for red lights and slow drivers.

We arrived at the office and after the poky receptionist checked us in, our nurse Janet took us back to the embryology lab for the procedure. Because I've had so many surgeries throughout my life, I'm hyper-sensitive to smells and sounds in medical settings. I thought I was going to pass out and all I had to do was sign the consent form. After 'emptying my bladder' and changing into my gown, booties and hat I was transferred into the pre-op room where they started my IV. Mike and I sat there quietly holding hands for a while until it was time.

At 9:05 am I kissed Michael goodbye and headed into the procedure room and just about lost it. I told Terrence, the anesthesiologist he needed to put me out and the sooner the better. He took my instructions, quickly put the blood pressure cuff on my right arm, the oxygen monitor on my left index finger and the heart monitors on my chest and said he was giving the good stuff.

After it was over, they brought me back to the pre-op, or now post-op room and Mike was sitting there reading the newspaper and happy to see me. He said he heard me laughing and then crying as I was being transported back to his company. I have no idea why I was laughing or crying for that matter. I continued to cry for a few minutes longer before realizing I really had no idea why I was emotional, so I stopped. Then I realized I had the hiccups.

After dozing on and off for a few minutes I started to come back to reality. Terrence brought me some water, extra strength Tylenol and some animal crackers and let me tell you, those were the best damn animal crackers I've ever eaten. They were so good Mike ate like half of them and had to sneak up to get a refill.

Soon enough I was getting dressed and being wheeled out to the car. On the way home, we did all our normal Saturday morning errands, with the addition of getting more dog food. I of course waited in the car.

I've been home for a couple hours, watched two movies (Coyote Ugly and Something About Mary) and have taken a nice little nap. Its now time for the Notre Dame game so I will go snuggle on the couch with Mike and eat some left over pizza, if there is any left and tonight I will be sure to say a little prayer tonight for my 7 eggs.

The Number Seven

2009-09-24T16:50:00.000-05:00

Why is 7 a lucky number? I'm not a gambler, but I know all about the lucky 7's in Vegas. I also happen to identify with the number 7. I was born on the 7th day of December. I was married in the 7th month of the year. All of my online usernames and most of my passwords somewhere somehow contain the number 7. I'm suddenly starting to feel a little OCD.

Yesterday I went back to Dr. K's office for another dildo cam ultrasound and blood work. I bet you'll never guess how many follicles they saw - that's right - 7. Four follicles on my left and three on my right. I'm not good with math, but I can add those numbers on my fingers. All measuring between 6 and 8 mm. The nurse that was all up in my business said the measurements were good as they like to see them all roughly the same size.

Later that day I got my results and was instructed to stop with the Lupron injections. I'm still not entirely sure why and have been playing phone tag with the nurse. According to my original plan, the one lovingly laid out day-by-day on my color coded calendar thanks to my spectacular husband, tells me I'm supposed to be on Lupron until I trigger the release of all my eggs. So of course that gets me wondering. Could it be that:

a) I'm responding so well that I can stop the Lupron because they are going to trigger me soon and I don't need to be on the Lupron anymore.

b) I'm not respsonding well so they are taking me off the Lupron and hope that I will get more follicles faster without the Lupron.

So as I wait by the phone for the nurse to call me back, I can't help but be distracted from my daily life and hope that those 7's really pull through.

Moving Right Along - Starting Stims Tomorrow

2009-09-18T16:03:00.000-05:00

My last post was all about the turtle of a month September has been. I suddenly feel like the turtle turned into a cheetah. And not just any cheetah, its more like Chester the Cheetos Cheetah. I feel like I have a ball of energy rolling around inside me and I'm ready to explode. It's like being a little kid and waiting for Christmas. I'm just hoping I actually have a present on Christmas morning.

I went to my baseline appointment at the fertility clinic yesterday morning. I had an internal ultrasound - gotta love the dildo cam gettin' all up in my business and yet again some more blood work. I got a little concerned when they said my left ovary wasn't producing any follicles yet but I was reassured today when they told me to start my next phase of the journey tomorrow.

Because one shot per day is not enough for an irriational shot fearing gal like myself, I now get three each day. Its now time to start stimulating egg production. Rock on! I've always wanted to be an egg factory. Actually, in all honesty, I want to produce as many damn eggs as possible.

Get ready Mikey, time to start the Menopur and Gonal-F injections. Let's see how much more of a whinney little girl I can turn into. Hopefully, these two additional injections won't hurt any worse than the Lupron and lucky for me, Mike hasn't damaged any more needles. He's turned into quite the little sexy man-nurse and delivers a mean shot. By 'mean' I mean not painful and could be a professional. That's my boy!

So this cheetah of a month is moving right along. I go back on Wednesday for another set of blood work and dildo cam ultrasound. Then my estimated egg retrieval and transfer is the week of 9/27. Woot, woot!

And I'm still praying I have a little package under the tree on Christmas morning.

The Longest September EVER

2009-09-11T10:11:00.000-05:00

This month is dragging along. Perhaps because I reference my wonderful color coded calendar lovingly made by Mike every day and see the week of 9/27 is my estimated date of egg retrieval.

I've been on the same routine for a week now. 10 units of Lupron every evening. Although I'm not ready for another shot, I am ready for the next step. I think it would make me feel like we are progressing.

When I think about our IVF teach session and how overwhelmed I was, its really quite silly. So far, things are pretty easy. Its just a routine that changes every week. Almost like a workout routine. You do the same exercises for a week before you increase and/or add on. This is the same thing. Plus, I'm lucky enough to have a personal trainer AKA personal nurse AKA husband.

Mike actually did start out as a nursing major, which could explain why he is not only good at administering shots, but also enjoys it. This picture might scare some people, but I look at it two ways - 1) if he is giving me the shots, I don't have to do it and 2) at least he looks happy.

Mike does a good job keeping me on schedule for my injections. Each night around 7 pm we make the family (Nina and Billy always come too) trek up to our master bathroom. I lift up my shirt, plop down on the counter, lean up against the corner where the mirror meets the wall, grasp the edge of the counter with my left hand and tightly hold the faucet with my right hand (overly dramatic, I know). Mike rubs my stomach with the alcohol pad (this is when I become queasy), loads up the syringe (this is when I become light headed) and comes at me with that goofy smile. A second later, I feel a little burn from the Lupron, my stomach gets red and we head downstairs to watch a little TV and eat dinner. Its become second nature and as long as the other injections are just as painless, I'm sure I will make it through the next month just fine.

Its the thought of having to do this all over again that kills me. I just hope and pray that this is a one and done and if for some reason its not, I hope we have enough to freeze so we can try again. I really don't want to have to go through this whole process again. It just seems so long and drawn out. I think I will start recruiting people to pray for us. I've always heard God works in mysterious ways, maybe this is his way. I'm not big on praying, but I'm about to start.

Dear God. Please keep me healthy and sane. Allow my body to produce a boat load of eggs so they can all be fertilized with Mike's strong healthy sperm. Allow the embryos to grow and develop and for two to be transferred. Allow at least one to implant, two would be good too, but I really don't want one of them to split (triplets scare the crap out of me). Allow me to carry a healthy baby to term. If you do all this for me God, I will promise to baptize the baby and take him/her to church and Sunday school. Amen (or if you want me to sing it, ah-ah-ah-men).

A Wonderful Labor Day Weekend

2009-09-08T17:09:00.000-05:00

I love long weekends! It started off great with a short day on Friday, took a nice long walk with Mike, Nina and Billy (picture from our last family vacation. Nina is the one that looks like she is being held against her will.) and took my last BCP.

I've really come to enjoy the walks we've been taking and I'm not really what changed. It was always a chore to walk the dogs - the last thing I wanted to do when I'd get home from work. Now, I cherish the quality time with Mike and the dogs. I'm even seriously considering getting some fitness walkers like Skeckers or Reebok- you know, the ones that tone as you walk. Especially since we've been walking them a lot more and for a longer distance.

Saturday Mike and I ran our typical errands, coffee, cleaners, post office, Menard's and grocery store (always in that order). Saturday afternoon we watched the Notre Dame football game - usually not my favorite activity, but I happened to enjoy watching the game with Mike and am really starting to understand it and recognize the players. Again, it was some nice quality time. Saturday night we went out with our friends/neighbors to a couple local bars. It was beautiful outside, a little on the cool side, but perfect for the beer gardens.

On Sunday I had to attend a work function. It was okay, but I would have much rather been at home. We did end up ordering take out from a local Mexican restaurant. I order the delicious shrimp enchiladas suizas and was craving some guacamole.

Monday we didn't leave the house at all. Mike got it in his head that we should finish the basement because our kids are going to need some place to play. I have been saying this for the past 3 years. But suddenly, it was his idea and needs to be started right away so we drew up the floor plans. It should be interesting to see how this all comes together. I was however, informed that this might have to be in phases because its going to be expensive. No shit dude, that's why I have been nagging you about it for 3 years!

I've still been getting my shots on a daily basis - please note I said 'getting', as in I'm still not able to 'give' them to myself. I have accepted the fact that its a mental game. The injections don't hurt, I just get light headed and a little queasy for 10 seconds and then I'm fine. Plus, I think Mike enjoys giving them to me. I have noticed the dogs like to come in the bathroom when all this is going on. I think they know daddy is hurting me. Not really - but I do have a couple tiny bruises in the injection area. I've also noticed it hurts worse on the left side (again, probably all in my head).

At least I've admitted to myself that its all in my head. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? It just so happens I don't care if I can't do it - that's what Mike is for. I love you honey!

My Long History of Fearing Shots

2009-09-03T17:12:00.000-05:00

I haven't necessarily had the easiest life, although I wouldn't change anything for the world. I give a lot of credit to parents for raising me to be a strong (sometimes a wimp), assertive (sometimes too assertive) and confident (sometimes too confident) young lady despite my differences.

I was born with one leg shorter than the other and had 16 surgeries between the ages of 6 and 15 and one last one when I was 25. Although doctors were able to lengthenn my leg, it didn't grow at the same pace, hence the multiple surgeries. I spent a majority of my childhood wearing a lift on my shoe so I could at least walk normal and have a normal life.

(That's me in the picture with my younger brother to the left and my two older cousins. You can see the lift on my left shoe.)

Through all my surgeries, I was never bothered by IV's or getting my blood drawn, but I was terrified of getting shots. I swore there were times when the needles from the shots made it all the way to my bone. They were horribly painful. The shots that were supposed to calm me down before a surgery caused me more anxiety than the surgery itself. And since I couldn't swallow pills and I refused to get shots, I actually chose to drink smashed up pills mixed with water. Yuck!

Needless to say, the IVF teach session caused me some added anxiety. All the needles for the injections and practicing had me in cold sweats. Do they really think calling them injections is nicer than saying shots? Is it like asking someone if they like your new recipe and they say it's "different"? What a passive agressive comment - what a hoax.

I tried not to think about the injections until I got home from work yesterday and Mike told me it was time for my first injection. I think I shed a couple tears, told him I was going to pass out and then watched him destroy two needles trying to get the damn things out of the package. At that point, I should have just given myself the injection, but I seriously thought I was going to faint. Perhaps it was looking at the two bent needles that made me queezy.

After my dramatic behavior and successfully delivered injection, I realized it didn't hurt that bad. In fact, I hardly felt it. I did, however, immediately start to complain that I felt a burning sensation and I got a little welt.

Good thing Mike loves me, I was almost annoying myself with my childish antics. Especially since, overall, it wasn't a bad experience. I'm guessing its all in my head. We will see how tonight goes.

Let the Journey Begin

2009-09-02T17:14:00.000-05:00

If I was motivated or had the time, I probably should have started blogging about a year ago when our wonderful journey began. By wonderful, I mean frustrating, exhausting, exciting, happy and sad all in one journey.

We've been married for just over three years. In those three years we've done some amazing traveling, developed some new and expensive hobbies like scuba diving, landscaping (yes, for us, that turned into a hobby) and created a wonderfully beautiful life together.

You never really know when you are ready to start a family, and then when you are told you can't, you realize just how ready you might have been. In 2007 I was diagnosed with polymyositis, an auto immune disease that caused my white blood cells to attack and destroy my muscle tissue. I was told I needed to be on steroids and heavy immunosuppressants to get this condition under control. I was told under no circumstances could I get pregnant during this time as the medication was lethal to a fetus. It was at that doctor's appointment, with my husband holding my hand, that I (actually, we) realized we might have been ready to start a family.

For the next 8 months all we did was talk about the day we could start a family. We would daydream about growing our family, wondering how Nina and Billy (our fantastic dogs) would like to have a little kid to play with and how family vacations would really become family vacations. We had built up so much excitement and desire for a baby that when the time finally came and my doctor told me I was in remission (actually, she told me I "graduated" from treatment) and no longer needed the meds we began the countdown, letting my body clear itself of all the medication, including birth control.

We did everything right, I met with my ob/gyn (also known as Dr. Flinstone, per my husband Mike) and started my prescription prenatal vitamins. It was at that appointment he told me to come back in 6 months if after well-timed sex, I wasn't pregnant. I listened to his "fairytale" stories about a prince and princess that want to have a baby and they get pregnant right away but this other prince and other princess don't get pregnant until a whole year later so that means this prince (Mike) and this princess (me) could be average and take anywhere from 6-12 months.

Don't get me wrong, I love Dr. Flinstone. He actually delivered me and my brother. He has a fabulous bedside manner and can make anyone feel comfortable in the most uncomfortable situations. In a nutshell, he was telling me not to worry and stress about it, but if I wanted to, I could come back in 6 months for further testing.

And yes, after 6 months of charting, using ovulation prediction kits, having Nazi style (demanding) sex and watching my friends easily get pregnant, Mike and I decided it was time to head back to Dr. Flinstone. Mind you, we actually have been dreaming about having a baby for a full 18 months, 6 of which we were actively trying to conceive.

At this point, I'm fully confident we made the right decision by starting testing at 6 months. It turned out I have an under-active thyroid. Mike also has an under-active thyroid, low testosterone, low sperm motility and morphology. So in all reality, the chances of us conceiving on our own were less than 1%.

Its been about another 6 months since that diagnosis, several sperm-improving treatments (or lack-there-of) and numerous trips to the urologist and fertility clinic. Poor Mike has spent more time spooging into a cup than any man ever should. I'm partly convinced that is why he put surround sound in our bedroom. You see, the fertility clinic is about 8 miles from the house, so he was able to "collect" his sample at home and drop off within a half hour. And seriously, doesn't porn sound better in surround sound? I joked with him that now its like we're having an orgy.

So here we are a full 14 cycles of actively trying to conceive, plus 12 full months of wanting but not being to try to conceive and we are still in the same place. At least that is what it feels like.

The doctor's appointments and consultations and hearing our chance of conceiving on our own is only 1% have been tough. Dr. K at the fertility clinic had hoped treatments would improve Mike's number and we would be able to do an IUI (intra-uterine insemination). After a couple months of treatment, we went back to Dr. K and he told us our only real option was IVF (invitro fertilization).

Mike and I had two totally different reactions to this news. Mike was excited and was ready to sign the dotted like a business deal. I however, was far more emotional - I just couldn't believe the one thing that is supposed to be so natural wouldn't be so natural for us. It killed me on the inside but in my heart, I knew this was our best chance. The two week time span between that doctor's appointment and our IVF teach session were the loneliest times of my life. In part because I was traveling a lot for work, but also because Mike and I were in two separate places.

The day of the teach session arrived and was our changing point. It was at that point, when I was freaking out about injections, doing something wrong and this not working that Mike really stepped up and became very involved. He's offered to help with the injections, he checked and organized the giant box of needs, meds, sharps box that came Fed Ex from a specialty fertility clinic and made me color coded calendar on what I (we) need to do on a daily basis.

And it is now, today, the day I start my Lupron injections tonight at 7:30 pm per my color coded calendar developed by my loving husband.